The second of the contributions we have selected for this series again comes from a woman but this time in Australia and broadly representative of a significant number of contributions we received from individuals who once were highly involved in lay leadership positions in their local Church. Today's contributor eventually ended up in the St Mary's in Exile Community in South Brisbane and she shares the factors that contributed to her exit. As explained in the introduction to this series we will be publishing all the selected stories we have received anonymously. The series has been prepared by Amanda McKenna, co-publisher of Catholica. (Editorial note: For reasons of consistency in the Catholica style we have used the word God. Readers might like to be aware that the original author consistently wrote this response using god spelt all in lower case.)

Series Navigation: Introduction | I: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
II: Life is now filled with possibility! | III: A couple of male confessions
IV: A couple of submissions remote from our usual readership
V: Ministry OUTSIDE the Box; LIFE Outside the BOX
VI: Two perspectives from different sides of the Pacific
VII: The disillusion of a Catholic lad from Sydney

Life is now filled with possibility!

Hi Milly,

Thanks for the challenge and the opportunity to articulate why I have decided to move beyond the confines of my religious cultural upbringing.

My questioning began almost 20 years ago when I felt challenged to respond to comments received by JWs [Jehovah's Witnesses] knocking regularly on my door. Although I had always attended Catholic schools and youth groups, I felt totally inadequate in this task, realising that I had received no formation from an 'adult' perspective. All my understandings were in the language & imagery of my childhood. I enrolled in the next RCIA programme as a way of remedying this. I refused to sponsor anyone else as I felt I had enough questions of my own to deal with. This began a journey of enlightenment which is still continuing.

Following this time, I joined a parish-based Journey scripture study programme, then Lenten programmes and Little Rock scripture groups. This lead to much sharing, questioning and suggested reading from others.

I have always been quite an active member of my parish community — Youth Group, Children's Liturgy, heavily involved in Music Ministry including coordinating, four years on Parish Council, Baptism Preparation. I have been through the 'traditional' phase where I was careful to adhere to 'liturgical correctness', but have now reached a place where I can no longer tolerate the straight jacket ... my understanding of God has changed immensely.

The St Mary's in Exile website is regularly updated with interesting articles drawn widely from the world exploring spirituality. It presents a contrast to many of the institutional websites which seem more connected to communicating to the local bishop, or at least not getting him into trouble, rather than the general public "out there". Click the image above, or HERE, to check out their website which also contains videos and transcripts of recent homilies.

About 4 years ago a member of our bible study group introduced me to Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsh and I suddenly found that many of the questions I had raised, and others I had not yet articulated, were being answered by this fresh way of understanding God. I found myself saying 'yes' to so much in that book and the subsequent books in that series. I have since read many other contemporary authors from John Shelby Spong, Eckhart Tolle, Matthew Fox, Diarmuid O'Murchu, Deepak Chopra to name a few, all sharing incredible wisdom and insights, and they all seem to be saying similar things in different ways. They all offer a fresh way of understanding God, the universe and our interconnectedness with each other and all that is.

I began to feel very uncomfortable each Sunday as we stood to recite the Profession of Faith. It no longer fitted my understanding of God and my relationship to the rest of creation at all. It was like a very ill-fitting coat belonging to someone else. I began to feel quite hypocritical as I sang many of the usual hymns and began trying to source more acceptable lyrics (to me). I eventually resigned from Music Ministry, then also Baptism Prep and Parish Council, as I no longer believed in what I was 'selling'. I couldn't continue to be 'seen' to toe the party line. Eventually, I found it so uncomfortable, much of the language of the Mass seeming so contradictory to me, that I now only attend occasionally at St Mary's in Exile at South Brisbane. Here all are welcome, no Creed it recited, all share in the prayers and sharing at the communion table, spiritual wisdom of many contemporary scripture scholars and commentators is shared and there is a real sense that this is much closer to the way of the first Christian communities.

I feel no guilt
and don't miss the 'community' aspect either...

I feel no guilt, I don't miss the 'community' aspect either as several of those in our original bible study group have travelled the same road and still meet weekly for scripture study and sharing from our wide range of reading, including from the Catholica site. We are a very 'philosophical' group. The traditional church would probably label us atheists, but we are far from that. We very much believe in God, but not the reductionist, theistic, 'out there' God, lording it over us and demanding worship and constant striving to be 'perfect'. Rather, God is everywhere, there is nowhere that God is not present, including within ourselves. God is the spirit energy that animates all life, the creative energy birthing all things into existence, in all its varied forms. We are just one aspect of the incredible mystery that makes up the matrix of all that is. This understanding of God, for me, holds me in much greater awe of something so far beyond what mere words attempt to express. For me, the reality of God is in the experience of every day living, the people I meet, the visible creation that surrounds me, the new discoveries and insights made by scientists and medical researchers every day. We are finally beginning to listen to the wisdom of ancient native cultures who have lived in harmony with the Earth for many thousands of years. The Church and its missionaries have long labelled these peoples as 'pagan' but many are now realising, almost too late, that native wisdom is in many ways far superior to, and more complex than, our 'Westernised' way of thinking and may indeed be critical to the continued survival of humankind and the planet as we know it.

This road of discovery has opened up to me a much more fertile, alive and holistic way of seeing the world and understanding my place in it, my connectedness with all of Creation. No one religion or system has all the answers and no-one has the right to foist their belief systems on another. We are all at different stages along our journey towards spiritual adulthood. Unfortunately, for far too long, we have been inculturated in society and within the Church in ways that see us as separate, disconnected and, in many ways, superior to others. If we are to survive yet alone flourish, we must learn that we are all of equal value, and that humankind has a responsibility to each other (our brothers & sisters) and the environment that supports us. We must learn to honour the God-presence in all of creation.

It is my belief that the Jesus message has been totally subverted and misrepresented. I believe the message was mostly about the truth of UNCONDITIONAL love, our interconnectedness (ALL are our brothers & sisters), the presence of god (divinity) within each one of us. We have literalised the message to the point of being ridiculous, often not stepping back far enough to see the contradictions. Many of us, and particularly our young people, have learnt to consider things with a much more critical mind. We (they) are much more aware of dualism and question it wherever it appears. Thus, many have become quite disillusioned with the Church as it just doesn't measure up, in their experience.

I have now found myself also in such a place. I have reached 'adulthood' and can make my own decisions based on my own experiences and intuitions. I believe that God speaks to me (us) always and in all ways. I am excited about the continuing journey especially as I discover many more travelling along the same road.

Life is now filled with possibility!

Series Navigation: Introduction | I: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
II: Life is now filled with possibility! | III: A couple of male confessions
IV: A couple of submissions remote from our usual readership
V: Ministry OUTSIDE the Box; LIFE Outside the BOX
VI: Two perspectives from different sides of the Pacific
VII: The disillusion of a Catholic lad from Sydney

These stories have been selected and edited by
Amanda McKenna and Brian Coyne, Linden, NSW. 20Sep2011

What are your thoughts on this commentary?
You can contribute to the discussion in our forum.

©2011Amanda McKenna

[Index of Commentaries in this Series]