The first of the contributions we have selected for this series comes from a professional woman in North America. A convert to Catholicism she writes how she has become tired of an endless cycle of joining and leaving various endeavours over her lifetime and the lessons she has learned. While presently classifying herself as non-practising nevertheless she does not feel she has left nor has she intention of seeing herself in that way. As explained in last week's introduction to this series we will be publishing all the selecting stories we have received anonymously. The series has been prepared by Amanda McKenna, co-publisher of Catholica.

Series Navigation: Introduction | I: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
II: Life is now filled with possibility! | III: A couple of male confessions
IV: A couple of submissions remote from our usual readership
V: Ministry OUTSIDE the Box; LIFE Outside the BOX
VI: Two perspectives from different sides of the Pacific
VII: The disillusion of a Catholic lad from Sydney

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So my whole life I've been fighting institutions. From the faith of my father, to the traditionalist Catholics, to the institutions that typically define the success of my professions, to every one of the political structures and methods and traditions that govern my community, my state and my nation.

I see the flaws and am happy to point them out. I set myself apart from these institutions as superior and in doing so pass judgment on the people in them. I have the absolutely ingrained characteristic of saying, "You're doing it wrong".

So what does that have to do with joining or leaving the RCC? For me, everything.

This series was originally sparked by a series published in an America Magazine article by William J. Byron on 3rd January 2011: "On Their Way Out". Click the image above, or HERE, to read the William Byron's article.

I've spent my whole life joining and leaving, joining and leaving. Well into adulthood, I'm finally starting to realize how insane it has all been. How supremely irrelevant is the structure of any particular institution and how utterly precious is each person in them.

What I've been seeking in the joining AND leaving are opposite sides of the same coin of fear and pride. I join looking for one of two things — either the ability to assert my superior ideas over others and "create change" (play God by running the way things happen or are done) OR strictly follow all the institutional rules so that the institution will give me the infantile security of Everything Being the Same. I leave either because others don't acknowledge my superior plans and ideas OR because the humans in the institution behave like humans will and disappoint my need to be protected and taken care of.

The whole while what I'm really doing is cutting myself off from God by cutting myself off from others. I complain about institutions as a way to distract myself from my self-imposed isolation. So here's what I'm learning:

• The Faith of My Father: There's a lot of good things about it and a lot of good people in it. It gave me the foundation on which my own faith rests. I would not know God as I do without it, and the love I experienced from the people in it.
• The Church: I love so much about my faith. But for some time now I haven't gone to mass, said confession (formally) or done any of the "things" that are usually associated with "being" a Catholic. Instead, I've been learning to be present to people who are struggling with the same things I struggle with everyday. Have I "left" the church? I don't rightly know, but I don't think so. I reckon when I've learned some more about really letting myself be loved and love others, I'll find a way to incorporate my new way of life with the faith I love. But for now, it really doesn't matter that much.
• My Professional Community: I really don't have much room to criticize them for being proud and arrogant when I've outdone them all in each area. For now, I want to learn how to be with them, listen to them, really see them, and hopefully love the ones that cross my path a little better each day.
• Politics and Government: I can't even manage to know and contribute to the neighbors who live on my little row of townhouses, so how fair is it for me to condemn the bigger systems and the people in them? Last night, I pulled into my parking spot and my neighbor was out front, raking winter leaves. As I got out of the car, I overheard him talking to another neighbor across the parking lot. Turns out the guy is a new father. I had no idea. In fact, I don't even know the guy's name! Why? Well, in part, because I'm afraid to get to know people, but more because I have such a busy, important life that I don't take the time to get to know the folks on my own street — who they are, what matters to them, what they need. And for good or ill, isn't that what politics at any level is all about? I may disagree with the way government runs, or the ideas and theories and positions of a politician or party, but if I can't even get outside myself enough to know my neighbors, where do I get off condemning the system?

What I'm slowly learning, a little bit more every day, is that whatever the institution, my railing at it, my joining OR leaving, is usually more about my own pride than it is about the institution itself. I'm learning that staying is harder than leaving. That my belonging to an institution is pretty irrelevant. What matters is how I live with the people INSIDE.

You know that terrific saying by Ghandi (who, by the way, was not so good at living it himself): "Be the change you wish to see in the world". If I follow my old pattern of leaving because the person who said it was a hypocrite, all I'll do is miss the opportunity to let God work out the truth of that statement in my own everyday life.

Seems to me it's the same thing with leaving the church or the government or any other institution. If I bow out because of the flaws and hypocrisy that are the normal incidents of being human, I won't have the opportunity to be human myself and I'll miss the opportunity to touch the humans who are right here, on my own street, in my own community (however the humans in that community have organized themselves into institutions).

This isn't to say that staying is right for everyone. Sometimes you have to go because you find a richer way to experience God and others somewhere else or in another way. If that is your experience God will show you how to find the community you need. For me, though, I've done my leaving from a place of pride and hubris and all it has done has cut me off from my fellows.

So I'm staying.

Series Navigation: Introduction | I: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
II: Life is now filled with possibility! | III: A couple of male confessions
IV: A couple of submissions remote from our usual readership
V: Ministry OUTSIDE the Box; LIFE Outside the BOX
VI: Two perspectives from different sides of the Pacific
VII: The disillusion of a Catholic lad from Sydney

These stories have been selected and edited by
Amanda McKenna and Brian Coyne, Linden, NSW. 12Sep2011

What are your thoughts on this commentary?
You can contribute to the discussion in our forum.

©2011Amanda McKenna

[Index of Commentaries in this Series]