John Chuchman today brings us an EXCLUSIVE. A conversation he overheard during the week direct from one of the Coffee Shops near where the Synod for the New Evangelisation is happening in Rome. This is the real deal of what's being discussed in Rome for the welfare of all of you. Don't miss this: your eternal salvation may depend on what is being prepared. Don't worry about all the public relations' whitewash you read from John L Allen Jr and the reports in the media and from the Vatican Press Office. Chuchman captures what he imagines are the "conversations" in the back room of a Roman coffee shop where they're carving up the real agenda about how we'll all pray in the future and access the Divine Graces of God.

Whose Liturgy is it, anyway?

B1: Your Eminences, We've got to do something;
We've lost control of the Liturgy.

B2: Yes, since V-II, the laity actually think
the Liturgy belongs to them,
that it is theirs.

B3: Indeed, if we lose control
of the Liturgy,
we risk losing control of the laity;
we must act.

B1: What should we do?

B2: Let's keep them away from the altar;
none of this standing near the
Holy Celebrant.

B3: And let's ban them from even touching
the Sacred Chalice and utensils,
even to clean them.

B2: Especially since we have specified
they Must be Gold and bejeweled.

B4: We cannot let them choose the music;
we must go back to what has been approved
in centuries past.

B3: The music many have been using
is much too upbeat anyway,
does not remind the laity of their guilt
and unworthiness.

B4: Let's get them bowing more to us;
it will help solidify our superior rank.

B1: We thought about bringing back
the clickers the nuns used
to let people know when to stand, sit, kneel, etc.

B3: You know, the laity were a lot more docile
when they could not receive Communion
in their hands.

B4: That'll be corrected,
I hear that XVI will be mandating
reception on the tongue.

B1: Great, we're making real progress;
How about language?

B2: Yes, it's much too familiar,
much too ordinary,
much too comfortable;
We've got to force a
Sacred Jargon, used only at Liturgy.

B3: Let's impose "Lamb of God" on them.

B4: Great idea; and let's add words beyond their comprehension.

B1: And we need words that keep stressing
the laity's unworthiness

B3: Dare we bring back Latin;
Only we use it?

B4: Great! Let's slowly introduce it
and expand it across the board;
that will really put us back
In Control!

B1: And who in heaven's name,
started allowing lay people to preach?

B2: A few B's here and there,
Scoundrels

B3: No question,
that stops here and now,
the Holy Spirit speaks Only
through us.

B4: But so many laity in this country
have advanced degrees (MA's and PhD's)
in their religion,
and are more educated than the
few programmed clerics
we churn out.

B1: Exactly why we MUST
keep them off the ambo.

B2: Frankly we'd be better off
if these educated laity
would just leave.
Catholic Education
is for kids, not adults.

B3: Yes, and if they would just leave,
instead of causing a ruckus,
we could get on with making this church
Smaller and Purer
as Ratz envisioned.

B4: Some laity had even discovered
that it is the Community Gathered
that consecrates the bread and wine,
and not our personal power.

B1: God help us
if that idea spreads.

B2: OK, that settles it,
we slowly and surely undo
all the V-II missteps
and bring the Liturgy
and the Laity
back under our control.

B3: Super,
Shall we pray over it?

B4: No need,
We are God's Chosen leaders.

B1: Thanks, God.

B2: One last thing,
Do we need to revise our current regulations
to make the altars higher?

Love, John Chuchman

You'll find other reflections from John on his blog.

IMAGE CREDIT:
The cartoon characters are also by John Chuchman.

John Chuchman

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