There has been much discussion in the Catholica forums in recent weeks exploring the precise nature of various people's beliefs. In this fascinating commentary today, Kerry Gonzales, has been inspired by some of the forum discussion to go off and try and articulate both what she believes today and to give some insight into some of the forces that have shaped her adult beliefs. (No the image in the headline is not of Kerry but of a model named "Jitka" — see the photo predits note at the conclusion of the article.)

Thinking about the nature of my belief and ideas about God...

Recently I was speaking to a woman who had found out she was pregnant after many years of difficulty. Obviously she was very excited and asked me to pray for her. She added however, that she believed in God so everything would be all right. This expression of her belief in God troubled me a little and set me thinking about the nature of my own belief and ideas about God.

I believe in God. However having said that, I am, after a lifetime of seeing atrocities committed in the name of God, very wary of the word itself. The most concrete expression of the God I believe in is in the life of Jesus. Yet even this does not encapsulate God, as for me, the mystery of life and its purpose extends well beyond the gospel message. Also at this time in my life, if I ever really did, I do not claim ownership of a one, true God, but accept that each of us must find their own God belief, one that is meaningful in the totality of their lives. My God is an understanding wrought by my own life/faith journey and while basic ideas and viewpoints can be transmitted to children and others, the true core of belief is more a question of who I am and how I live my life, rather than an image of God. So, each to their own God, is pretty much my motto these days. Atheism too is okay, as belief of itself is a powerful thing, regardless of the god or moral code or system or whatever to which we subscribe.

Looking more closely at the type of God I try to be true to…

Having admitted to believing in God, it is important to have a clear picture of the type of God I try to be true to. In one sense my concept of God has been very much influenced by the hymns and the type of liturgy that I was involved in at various stages throughout my faith journey.

The Latin Mass was the stuff of my earliest memories and although from a young age I could sing along and be present at the liturgy, very little of meaning was transmitted and any notion of God would have come from home and school. To this day I can still sing the words of Pange Lingua:

Yet, while as an adult I now know the English translation, I am still pretty much at a loss to identify any God in this hymn. As a child I had no hope at all, but at that time participation and understanding were not very important anyway.

My early years of growing up in the pre-Vatican II Catholic Church meant that the God presented to me was one to be feared and who was very remote and vengeful. "Fire and brimstone" sermons were common and such hymns as Firmly I Believe:

"Firmly I believe and truly
God is Three, and God is One;
And I next acknowledge duly
Manhood taken by the Son."[2]

and Soul of My Saviour:

"Soul of my Saviour, sanctify my breast
Body of Christ, be thou my saving guest;
Blood of my Saviour, bathe me in thy tide,
Wash me with water flowing from thy side".[3]

gave little inkling to a developing mind about a concept of a God that was within my realms of understanding:

Post Vatican II saw many changes to the hymns sung and the overall liturgy and the more readily accessible language moved the notion of God further into the here and now and gave me a strong sense of participation in and through this more meaningful God. Many hymns assisted in this development, but one in particular was Here I Am Lord:

"Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart".[4]

Today liturgy is a mixed bag, but my choice of hymn, and one that best describes how I see myself in relation to my God and speaks most to me about how I believe and what I believe, is Micah's Theme:

"Hear then what Yahweh asks of you
To live justly, to love tenderly,
And to walk humbly with your God".[5]

A God who is not interventionist but not indifferent either…

So, my belief in God is much more centred on what's happening within me and the world at this point in time, rather than being focused on the next life. This belief is both pragmatic and transcendent and while acknowledging the influence of the history and the doctrines of the institutional church, it is not limited or thwarted by them.

How could I ever understand how God could allow such suffering, injustice and horror for some, while condoning wealth, happiness and privilege for others? Burma tragedy photos sourced from www.cbc.ca

My God is not an interventionist. For if I believed that God was actually involved in the world today in an overt way, how could I ever understand how God could allow such suffering, injustice and horror for some, while condoning wealth, happiness and privilege for others? I believe we are made in the image and likeness of God, but have the capacity for good and evil in equal measure if we, both individually and collectively, not God, allow it.

Yet, the God I believe in does not sit on high and watch his creation with indifference. The soul, the very essence of God within me, is able to be influenced and changed through who I am and how I live in relation to others and the natural world. My own spiritual health and God-sense is active and enhanced when I positively strive, each and every day, to be more like the God within. So, I would say that my God does act in this world, but only through the good or evil that I expose the world to through my own thoughts and actions. In which case I cannot blame God for what befalls me and my world. Rather I must look at what is happening and find, both within myself and my own backyard, morally responsible actions that can assist in breaking down some of the entrenched problems in our world today. For only then can my actions speak louder than my words and my likeness to God really shine through.

While the gospel tells us that Jesus asked his followers to be "fishers of men", for me this is not an exhortation to evangelize, particularly if its only purpose is to bring all people to a belief in our own God. For fish and mankind come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors, all with a distinctive taste and texture and their own intrinsic beauty. So in response to the presence of God in my own life, I hope that I always try, however haltingly, to respect the God of others and not be afraid of the differences between us. For I believe that God is not found in the trappings of any religious activity, but is best found in the more menial and constant events that make up the entire person. Look for that and you may well find, in others, a sense of God that is in fact quite familiar.

Kerry Gonzales

IMAGE CREDITS: No, the image of the woman used in the headline is not Kerry Gonzales. It is an image of a woman by the name of "Jitka" taken in Prague by Filip Schneider and sourced from stock.xchng as is the background rainbow image entitled "End of the…" taken by Sam Veres who is based in Aukland, NZ. Click on the other photos for the original source.

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©2008 Kerry Gonzales

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