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VATILEAKS – A FARCE IN THREE ACTS (Main Forum)
by desi 
, Australia, Sunday, May 27, 2012, 18:01 (363 days ago)
Act 1.
Butler/Valet (Enters the bathroom):
“What are all those spots of water on the floor, Boss”
His Boss (sitting up in bed, dozing):
“Ah, vell you know zat I have zis prostrate problem and I had to get up several times last night. Ze last time I did not have ze time to switch ze light on.”
Butler/Valet:
“Well, I could always cover them up and no-one need ever know”
His Boss (ponders for a while, then ponders some more... after a great deal of pondering he eventually shakes his head):
“Covering up never verks in ze long run as there is always someone who vill spill ze beans. I could say zat I know nothink about it and zat it was nothink to do vis me.”
Butler/Valet (His face lighting up):
“I have an idea, Boss. I will take the ‘rap’ for you and say that it was I who was responsible for ‘The Leaks’"
BLACKOUT
(Acts II and III to follow)
lockedVATILEAKS – A FARCE IN THREE ACTS
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Sunday, May 27, 2012, 18:06 (363 days ago) @ desi
Hope the interval isn't too long - dying to find out what happens in act two!
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – A FARCE IN THREE ACTS
by Marian , Sunday, May 27, 2012, 18:41 (363 days ago) @ Helen
Meanwhile backstage there is panic - someone has shouted out the tag line: THE BUTLER DID IT and the audience are clammering for their money back!
What will Acts II and III bring - we are waiting with bated breath!! 
Marian
who is hoping for a new way to be church
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Set design.
by desi , Australia, Sunday, May 27, 2012, 19:04 (363 days ago) @ Marian
![[image]](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9b/Torture_Chamber_of_the_Inquisition_v2.PNG/300px-Torture_Chamber_of_the_Inquisition_v2.PNG)
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Set design.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 00:33 (363 days ago) @ desi
Well at least the poor butler won't have to learn any lines!!
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Set design.
by Marian , Monday, May 28, 2012, 16:38 (362 days ago) @ Helen
That's not the butler - that's the stage manager!
The butler went outside for a smoke and hasn't been seen since!
Marian
who is hoping for a new way to be church
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Set design.
The Grand Inquisitor: "We give new meaning to put a knot in it." 
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Set design.
The Grand Inquisitor: "You think this is funny you silly little Australians with your kangaroos and wombats. This is very serious. These tiles were laid by Leonardo Da Vinci and laid on by Pope Alexander Borgia and his mistress(es). They are priceless. Another leak and they will be damaged beyond repair."
(Sound effects: Silly Little Australians laughing quietly.)
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Costume design.
by desi , Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 17:39 (362 days ago) @ Enda
![[image]](http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z378/ArianPaul/basilica-cardinal-shehan-cappa-magna.jpg)
Thr Grand Inquisitor.
.
![[image]](http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/basel101658/basel1016581102/basel101658110200150/8922514-vector-silhouette-of-the-gentleman-with-umbrella-on-white-background.jpg)
The Accused.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Costume design.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 17:48 (362 days ago) @ desi
The grand Inquisitor is faceless - as well he might be!!
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Costume design.
by desi , Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 17:59 (362 days ago) @ Helen
Brilliant, Helen.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Costume design.
by herbie , Monday, May 28, 2012, 21:05 (362 days ago) @ desi
ACT II was brilliant (except for too much noise in the back stalls). Roll on ACT III.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) - Costume design.
by desi , Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 21:42 (362 days ago) @ herbie
Not sure where you've been, herbie. but the script for Act II is not yet written!
Only the costumes and sets are in place.
(The worrry is that Act II may take place in a darkened sound-proof room)!
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (Stage directions)
by desi , Australia, Monday, May 28, 2012, 23:50 (362 days ago) @ desi
Act II – The Investigation
The curtain rises to reveal the stage in blackout.
The audience can hear muffled voices but whatever is happening they are not to be allowed to know what is going on.
The curtain falls.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (Stage directions)
by Sandra , Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 00:17 (362 days ago) @ desi
The Ratz nest is flushed out by a team of exterminators and the mice scurry for cover while red clothed inmates dash about with fly swatters.
The Swiss Guard remain at their posts with no idea what is happening.
The butler offers drinks from a silver platter as though its business as usual.
And the tourists keep coming and coming propping up the income.
Sandra (go to bed girl and stop this nonsense)
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (Stage directions)
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 01:00 (362 days ago) @ desi
> Act II – The Investigation
[quote]
The curtain rises to reveal the stage in blackout.
The audience can hear muffled voices but whatever is happening they are not to be allowed to know what is going on.
The curtain falls.[/quote]
Well that gets rid of Act II pretty smartly - how long till Act III?
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (Stage directions)
The Theatre of the Absurd doesn't begin to describe these productions. "Waiting for Godot" is nothing by comparison.
We await Act III with deep curiosity. Whose head will be next to be thrown to the mob?
J A Holznagel
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...a clarification.
by desi , Australia, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 09:09 (362 days ago) @ judith
The post (above) stated quite clearly that these were the Stage directions and did NOT state that Act II – The Investigation had taken place.
It may, in fact, have taken place or, indeed, may not have taken place, no-one yet knows.
As the ‘house-lights’ in the theatre are still ‘down’ even the audience is being kept in the dark about what’s happening.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...an obfuscation.
It is dark. The Grand Inquisitor enters from stage left.
He is surrounded by battlements. He is sleepwalking and he wears a long white nightdress and red slippers. he also wears a funny red cap. He carries a stuttering candle.
"The plot. The plot. I have lost the plot" he utters.
High on the battlements appears the ghost of Hans Kung. He is grinning.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...an obfuscation.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 11:17 (362 days ago) @ Enda
It is dark. The Grand Inquisitor enters from stage left.
He is surrounded by battlements. He is sleepwalking and he wears a long white nightdress and red slippers. he also wears a funny red cap. He carries a stuttering candle.
"The plot. The plot. I have lost the plot" he utters.
High on the battlements appears the ghost of Hans Kung. He is grinning.
"Piss, who goes there" the GI quavers "'Tis the ghost of what might have been' replies the spectre.
(the GI then hurridly exist stage right as he remembers he should have said 'hiss' who goes there' but was thinking of his own bladder problems).
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...an obfuscation.
by Marian , Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 18:36 (361 days ago) @ Helen
"Piss, who goes there" the GI quavers "'Tis the ghost of what might have been' replies the spectre.
(the GI then hurridly exist stage right as he remembers he should have said 'hiss' who goes there' but was thinking of his own bladder problems).
Helen
This gives a new meaning to VATILEAKS 
Marian
who is hoping for a new way to be church
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...an obfuscation.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 18:46 (361 days ago) @ Marian
Strewth, I can't stand toilet humor!!
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II...an obfuscation.
M A R I A N !!!!!!!!!!!! Even cynical me didn't think of that.
J A Holznagel
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (INTERVAL).
by herbie , Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 21:44 (361 days ago) @ desi
I had been out during the intermission, Desi, taking a shiraz or two, and came back to what I thought was a brilliant no-speak/no-action segment: just dress ups. Ionesco and all that. Sorry. I'll shut up and sit down and wait.
lockedVATILEAKS – (INTERVAL).
by desi , Australia, Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 22:27 (361 days ago) @ herbie
edited by desi, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 05:03
I'll shut up and sit down and wait.
Excellent, herbie, I'm glad to see that you've read the instructions in the programme (even though it was in Latin).
The rest of the audience are going to have to learn to sit down, shut up and wait as, at the moment, there is no word from the management as to when the Pantomime...ooops, sorry, Play will resume.
I understand that the management of the theatre are currently meeting with their backers in Rome to discuss a new translation which will be a foreign language which no-one will understand.
I'm sure that the 'end' will eventually be reached but I'm not sure if it will be in our lifetime.
lockedVATILEAKS – (INTERVAL).
...... ...... ...... ......
lockedVATILEAKS – (INTERVAL).
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 00:53 (361 days ago) @ desi
The rest of the audience are going to have to learn to sit down, shut up and wait as, at the moment, there is no word from the management asto when the Pantomime...ooops, sorry, Play will resume.
I vote we hold 'An Occupy The Theatre' and demand that Buttons and Old Mother Goose return instead of sulking in the props room as to who is going to wear the biggest hat.
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Scriptwriters called to crisis meeting by Producer.
by desi , Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 14:42 (360 days ago) @ Helen
Producer.
“I’m very concerned about the state of play, well, actually about the state of the play.
What I wanted initially was a ‘laying out the facts’ serious play and then I agreed to change it to a Farce, very soon I can see it becoming a Pantomime, but without any of the humour!
We need to get some laughs into the script, has anyone any ideas? ”
Writer 1.
“How about we get an official spokesman, dressed as a Cardinal would be best, to say:
‘When people write to the pope they believe that they are essentially speaking to God.’
That should get a good laugh.”
Writer 2.
“We could have a reporter interviewing people in The Square and they would be very straight faced and serious but would come out with really ‘daft’ answers.
‘I hope that they can quickly draw a line under the worst crisis in the papacy since.…..well, since last year’.
‘We all feel involved because we are a big family. But as the Bible teaches us, in every family there is a Judas, in this family there may be many, many Judas’, or should that be Judys?
‘This is a test for the pope, but it also an opportunity to relaunch the church and make it stronger,’ one woman could say, clutching a wooden cross in one hand, some beads in her other and a red rose between her teeth’.'
Here's my best one:
‘The Church is made up of saints and sinners, so we just have to pray and God will sort it all out’."
Writer 3
“It could close with the interviewer talking to an illegal street hawker from an Eastern European country:
‘I am very, very worried about the eventual outcome of this scandal, I just hope it does not hurt business here. I offer to help people jump the long queue for a guided tour of The Basilica for 45 euros and for an extra 20 euros I throw in a couple of Indulgences. If they want something really ‘holy’ I give them a pair of my old moth-eaten socks’.”
Producer.
“Excellent. Come up with some others like that, the more outrageous they seem the more people will laugh".
lockedVATILEAKS – Scriptwriters called to crisis meeting by Producer.
"I have this contact in the Middle East. His name is Kemlani."
That shold draw a few laughs.
lockedVATILEAKS – (INTERVAL).
by curlie que , Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 15:35 (360 days ago) @ Helen
well put Helen - you will soon be as cynical as me
lockedVATILEAKS – (INTERVAL).
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 18:45 (360 days ago) @ curlie que
Crikey, curlie que I will obviously have to try a bit harder then
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) -The Players.
by Benikira , North Coast NSW, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 17:09 (360 days ago) @ desi
Is Gorgeous Georg Gänswein to appear on stage as the butler's apprentice?
Benikira
All the women I know were wise from their youth.
Wisdom is forced upon me as I grow old.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) -The Players.
by desi , Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 17:36 (360 days ago) @ Benikira
The cast list is still being finalised and it's all a bit 'hush-hush' at present.
I heard, from my source 'inside', that as 'gorgeous' G. has known, for a long time, about the 'leaks' in his Boss' private areas that he should be in the play.
However, as no-one has ever heard him speak, the current plan is that he should be on stage as a non-speaking extra, more or less as 'set-dressing'.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) -The Players.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 18:44 (360 days ago) @ desi
However, as no-one has ever heard him speak, the current plan is that he should be on stage as a non-speaking extra, more or less as 'set-dressing'.
Rumor has it that he is being groomed for the star part in a German production of 'A Man For All Seasons' as the part of the Bishop.
Helen
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) -The Players.
by desi , Australia, Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 19:11 (360 days ago) @ Helen
Rumor has it that he is being groomed for the star part in a German production of 'A Man For All Seasons' as the part of the Bishop.
A friend of mine, who was at the auditions, said that he was so 'wooden' that they offered him the part of the chair.
lockedVATILEAK -- SIDELIGHT -- SOEVENIR PROGRAMS ??
In the fancy soevenir programs for this production, will there be any info on whether the leakers have found out what happened to those petitions signed by 10s of thousands of Catholic worldwide about slowing down the intro to the Latish version of the New Liturgical Mess, by any chance??
Or do you suppose such petitions were hidden in the Ash Wednesday ashes to get rid of them??
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II (The Interview Process) -The Players.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Thursday, May 31, 2012, 01:07 (360 days ago) @ desi
A friend of mine, who was at the auditions, said that he was so 'wooden' that they offered him the part of the chair.
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Auditions announced.
by desi , Australia, Friday, June 01, 2012, 15:49 (358 days ago) @ Helen
OPEN AUDITIONS
FOR THE INTERNATIONAL TOUR OF
‘VATILEAKS’
Actors required for all LEADING ROLES
(An ability to play 'Farce' will be essential.)
‘The Boss’ – The actor must be able to portray a very old man, who pretends to be deaf (he only hears what he wants to hear) and has difficulty getting around.
There will be numerous costume changes and previous experience in performing in ‘drag’ (eg pantomime) will be a distinct advantage.
.
‘The Butler/Valet’ – A ‘Faithful Retainer’ type of part, adept at opening doors and holding an umbrella.
He makes a vital appearance in Act I but is not then seen for some time, he is a man who is used by many of the other characters who may appear later in the play.
.
‘The Secretary’ – A ‘George Clooney’ type, extremely handsome and immaculately dressed but there is something about him that people cannot quite put their finger on, he is always at his boss’ side. Has very little to say but his ‘interventions’ are very ‘sharp’.
.
THURSDAY 7th JUNE
10.00am
The Rehearsal Rooms
Piazza della Venturista
Rome
--------------------
09:30 FRONT OF HOUSE – TO REGISTER
Please prepare one 'Plainsong' motet with sheet music accompaniment. Recorded accompaniment (tapes or cds) will NOT be accepted.
You will not be required to dance at any stage.
---------------------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT NOTICE
THIS IS A ‘MALE ONLY’ PRODUCTION
(There will be vacancies, at a later stage, for females to work backstage, in wardrobe (an enormous amount of 'lace-work' will be involved) and as cleaners/tea makers – they will, however, receive no ‘credits’ in the programme).
lockedVATILEAKS – Auditions announced.
Dare I make a suggestion for the role of the Secretary - there is one presently in Rome who might fit the bill. Not an Italian but know for his political skills, tall and stern looking.
J A Holznagel
lockedVATILEAKS – Auditions announced.
by desi , Australia, Saturday, June 02, 2012, 21:13 (357 days ago) @ judith
Not a snowflakes.....
It quite clearly states in the brief:
A ‘George Clooney’ type
More like George Clowny!
lockedVATILEAKS – Auditions announced.
by AnnieJ , Saturday, June 02, 2012, 22:02 (357 days ago) @ desi
By George, you've got it.
Annie
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I. (Background info.)
by desi , Australia, Sunday, June 17, 2012, 05:42 (343 days ago) @ AnnieJ
This afternoonPope Benedict XVI will meet the three cardinals whom he appointed in late April to investigate the mushrooming Vatican leaks scandal.
Those three cardinals, all over 80 and therefore holding no current Vatican jobs, are Spanish Cardinal Julián Herranz, 82, formerly the president of the Pontifical Council for Legislative Texts; Slovakian Cardinal Jozef Tomko, 88, a former prefect of the Congregation for the Evangelization of Peoples; and Italian Cardinal Salvatore De Giorgi, 81, who resigned in 2006 as the archbishop of Palermo.
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I.
by desi , Australia, Sunday, June 17, 2012, 05:57 (343 days ago) @ desi
The scene is set in a sitting room in the Boss’ apartment, decorated in a very ‘high-camp’ style. (Next to the Boss’ Throne is a large Washing Machine piled high with banknotes).
Three very wise men in their eighties enter, although they all seem much, much older. All are unemployed but are wearing identical very expensive long red silk dresses.
The atmosphere is friendly and gay (that’s ‘gay’ as in ‘happy’).
They all curtsy and kneel before the Boss but are then unable to get up, secretaries, valets and butlers magically appear from the shadows and help them onto individual commodes.
The three men speak in unison: Why no armchairs?
The Boss (smiling in a Germanic sort of way): Vell, it’s in case any of you vont a leak.
(All three are uncomfortable with the Boss’ reply but smile and nod in agreement, then nod in agreement some more).
.
The Boss: Vot news from ze investigation?
Chua Herring: I’ve found nothing fishy.
The Boss: Nothing fishy! Oh, Herring, you are a card!
Thomas Tom: Nothing for me to bang on about, Boss.
The Boss: Bang on about! Oh, Tom Tom, you are a card.
Lavatore George: I’ve not managed to flush anyone out as yet.
The Boss: Not managed to flush anyone out?.....Oh, Lavatore, you’re a card ’n all!
BLACKOUT
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I.
by clommer , United States, Sunday, June 17, 2012, 10:16 (343 days ago) @ desi
BRAVO author author
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I.
by AsOne , Sunday, June 17, 2012, 23:43 (342 days ago) @ clommer
I see on the news one of the big US banks isn't going to deal with the Vatican bank any more. But is that because it will no longer be able to funnel money into a tax haven, or is it because at present the Vatican bank is a tax haven?
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I.
by Helen , The other side of Australia, Monday, June 18, 2012, 00:58 (342 days ago) @ desi
Encore, encore (said some from the audience) no more, no more said the guest cardinal.
Let us light a candle and say to the dark, we beg to differ
lockedVATILEAKS – Act II - Scene I.
by Marian , Tuesday, June 19, 2012, 12:49 (340 days ago) @ desi
And the Tony for the best play for 2012 based on an hysterical theme goes to...(pause as the envelope is opened)...desi!!!
Marian
who is hoping for a new way to be church
locked
