Yes, we have no bananas!

"Yes, we have no bananas
We have-a no bananas today.
Just try those coconuts
Those wall-nuts and doughnuts
There ain't many nuts like they.
We'll sell you two kinds of red herring,
Dark brown, and ball-bearing.
But yes, we have no bananas
We have no bananas today."
Source: http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/bananas.htm


This Curmudgeon was almost late with this column because his car ran out of bananas.

Not only that but he is suffering from serious vitamin C and potassium deficiency due to the 'cyclone-that-is-causing-interest-rates-to-rise'.

The amazing properties of Bananas

Leonard Cohen website

Banana, Pisang.
Musa acuminata Colla; Musa balbisiana Colla; Musa x paradisiaca L.
Family of Musaceae.

Description & storage
Long thick-skinned edible fruit that is yellow when ripe.
Keep bananas on a fruit dish in the living room at room temperature. If you want the bananas to ripen faster place the bowl in the sun. Like other tropical fruits and tomatoes and bell peppers, never store bananas in the refrigerator. Below 8 degrees Celsius the fruit will decay from the inside. These fruits will not ripen but will turn black in the refrigerator.

Plant
Banana-plants can grow up to 15 m. but most plants vary from 3 to 9 m.
It has very big leafs that can grow to 4 x 1 m.

Short history
Wild forms of the banana plant come originally from the Indo-Malaysian area and are now cultivated all over the tropical and sub-tropical continents.

Use
Bananas are delicious eaten with one's fingers after peeling off the skin. Depending on the type of banana unripe bananas are also cooked, fried or deep-fried a lot. Bananas are the basic food in many tropical countries.

Types

  • At this moment there are five different types of bananas common on the market:
  • Red bananas: have a green/red peel and pink fruit flesh. They taste the same like yellow bananas. The redder a fruit, the more carotene it contains, so maybe they are healthier than their yellow colleagues;
  • Fruit-bananas: are the normal, yellow bananas, 15-30 cm.
  • Apple-bananas: are smaller, 8-10 cm., and ripen faster. They are also yellow;
  • The baby-banana (pisang susa): is yellow as well and measures 6-8 cm. It is the sweetest of the banana family;
  • Baking bananas: are 30 to 40 cm. large and are green, yellow or red-like. They cannot be eaten raw. They fulfill the role of the potato in the tropical countries.

Peculiar characteristics

  • Is the most well known and eaten (tropical) fruit;
  • In Eastern Africa you can buy banana beer. This beer is brewed from bananas;
  • Tropical fruit is usually picked unripe and has to ripen in the land of arrival. To make this process go faster bananas are treated with ethylene-gas. Normal bananas also ripen through ethylene -gas but exposing it to additional gas accelerates the process;
  • Is the (only) fruit that for some people can work fatting because they contain a lot of starch (more starch than sugar). Those people shouldn't eat too many bananas a day;
  • Eat at least one banana a day, they are said to contain everything a human needs and they contain all the 8 amino-acids our body cannot produce itself. For more see the energy in fruit.
  • Bananas are a good source of fiber, potassium and vitamin C;
  • Red bananas are often dried and converted to meal which is used in many ways;
  • Red bananas contain more vitamin C as yellow bananas (the redder a fruit, the more nutritious elements it contains).
  • Source: http://www.thefruitpages.com/bananas.shtml

It has not turned out such a good idea to switch the old car to banana fuel because the United States, Israel and their allies are dropping things that are certainly not bananas on oil-producing countries while at the same time oil is devastating the Lebanese coastline.

I called the NRMA road service and the man took one look at the vehicle and said, 'It needs bananas.

'You have run out of bananas.'

But bananas are $9.99 a kilo!

I have joined Banana-Check on the internet, but that's the best price I can get.

I have gone from banana service station to banana service station on a fruitless quest.

After I heard the Australian Prime Minister Mr John Howard in defence of inflation and rising interest rates on TV that 'no government can be blamed for a cyclone that destroyed our bananas' I went absolutely BANANAS !

Here I was thinking that inflation was caused by excessive consumer spending on credit cards, by irresponsible government economic management, by foreign debt, by poor return on our vast mineral quarries, by dishonest wheat deals, by financial and superannuation and insurance scams. But it was bananas!

I was so stressed out that I went to the local GP.

I had to pay by credit card because he does not bulk bill and is frequently overseas on his yacht visiting his many banana plantations in Africa and Asia.

Although he is a producer, the Doc is a great lover of bananas and normally I take him some to try to soften the bill, but not since the Cyclone-That-is Causing the Banana Interest Rate Rise.

The Doc took one look at me and said, 'You are suffering from a severe case of Musaceae deficiens.'

What's that, doc?'

'You are in serious need of bananas.'

In desperation I rang PM John Howard's office, but no answer.

I rang the Prime Minister's Lodge and was told by a staffer,'The PM cannot take your call, he's out.'

Was he out power-walking, conferring with the Treasurer on the looming financial crisis, or celebrating his 67 birthday?

None of those, said his secretary.

'He's out looking for Bananas.'

The CurmudgeonI never knew that a small piece of fruit, not part of our staple diet like the potato that caused the Irish Famine (in the year Ireland produced more food than England) could caused so much trouble.

What will I do when all of the prices go through the roof for all food? The mortgage payments?

What about the Banana-Induced Interest Rate Rise?

Will we abandon the gold standard as a financial yardstick and adopt the Banana Standard?

It's enough to send you bananas!


What are your thoughts on this commentary? You can contribute to the discussion in our forum.

Cliff Baxter can be contacted at:
Cliff Baxter <cliffbaxter@catholica.com.au>

©2006 Clifford Baxter

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