008 :
14 Oct 2007

Fr Farzenheim returns on a wing and a prayer… Father Farzenheim has been on a long sabbatical in Rome. He returns today at his fiery best in his relentless quest to dig out and expose dissidents, liberals and backsliders. He has advice for the organisers of World Youth Day and an exciting new proposal harnessing the latest technologies to rid the Church of cafeteria Catholics and all the dreadful garbage that was unleashed by the Second Vatican Council. [more]

007 :
22 Nov 2006

Sr Feralia's getting a bit sick of spam emails cluttering up her inbox but... she received a couple of those circular emails yesterday (which she didn't pass on and so will incur twenty-five years of bad luck and a pox on the children she doesn't have for the next seven generations) but it did contain some advice for a hassle free life. [more]

007 :
09 Oct 2006

The Crocs are coming South! With summer on the way we reckon you are feeling relaxed and comfortable in southern Australia, the barbie, the steak and sausages, the beach. Your mortal sins, however, will catch you up. Father Farzenheim reports the Crocodiles are Coming South!. [more]

002 :
08 Oct 2006

The Seven Deadly Matches... Biffin O'Toole thinks all this discussion about the Seven Deadly Sins is a bit sissy and sus. He'd far prefer discussion about the Seven Deadly Matches his Catholica Saints U18 Football team have been victors in. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

006 :
07 Oct 2006

Sr Feralia's confession... It has been drawn to Sr Feralia's attention that her Order seems to suffer more casualities among the sisterhood than the coalition of the willing faces in Iraq. It's time to fess up and so she confesses today that her great sin is none of the seven deadlies but the sin of... [more] [seven deadlies series index]

006 :
06 Oct 2006

Father Farzenheim on the beauty and glory of Divine Wrath! Far from seeing Wrath as a Deadly Sin, Father Farzenheim has a very different take on Anger. He's a member of the Fathers of Divine Wrath and reminds us of the beauty and glory to be found in Divine Anger — Dies Irie in Latin. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

009 :
05 Oct 2006

Molly's take on the Seven Deadlies... Molly has turned out to be the most endearing character in Cliff's menagerie if the feedback we receive is anything to go by. She's a bit confused though by this present discussion on the Seven Deadlies and would like to direct attention back to what she describes as the Domestic Sins which she has written about at length in her Manual for Priests' Housekeepers. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

002 :
04 Oct 2006

Greed ... what greed, Dr Theopullous? When Western society is beginning some form of meltdown because of professions and business leaders who believe they are entitled to a greater share of a community's wealth than anybody else, Dr A. Theopullous, Dental Scientist, Veterinarian and Theologian, has a few thoughts about people paying their bills on time. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

003 :
03 Oct 2006

Ignatius McDrool is gunning for us again Ignatius McDrool, editor-in-chief of the recently renamed Catholic Prudence is almost in meltdown following his discovery of the advertisements for the Seven Deadly Sins on the CathNews website. All stops have been pulled out in his memo to fellow loyal Catholic editors to have the Catholica and CathNews websites shut down and to ensure none of the writers for either of these publications derive any income from the institution or its agencies including Catholic universities. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

001 :
02 Oct 2006

Lust: Hackenfurth has a confession to make David Hackenfurth, that sometime accomplice of Heresy Hunter, Fergal O'Dobbin, has a confession to make. To appreciate this animation you may need to be familiar with his earlier exploits on behalf of His Eminence and a couple of cross-dressing episodes which you can read here and here. [more] [seven deadlies series index]

005 :
26 Sep 2006

Higgeldy Piggeldy Poo — Clerical Blackness! Father Farzenheim attracted criticism for what some saw as a tasteless display in his Crikey Crocodile demonstration last week. Unrepentant, he returns with a discourse on clerical blackness and a tirade against what he terms psycho-babble. [more]

004 :
20 Sep 2006

Crikey! A croc's got me! Where can we find a Catholic cleric with the fire of an imam, the juice of a jihad, the ability to crush like a crusader, and create fear like a bin Laden? The gentle German in the Vatican does not seem up to it, but we discover the Man of the Moment in Rev Father Farzenheim of the Fathers of Divine Wrath, who not only makes the infidels quake, but also the backsliders and cafeteria Catholics. This week Father Farzenheim gives his small congregation a dose of old fashioned wisdom concerning Australian values, plus a theological education and a discourse on Australian wildlife, in particular the Australian Crocodile. Crikey! He brings an estuarine crocodile nearly nine metres long into the church as a demonstration of Divine Wrath. [more]

008 :
31 Aug 2006

Molly battles with her conscience. Molly Arbeit, normally an astute and composed Housekeeper to Father, is all of a-flutter. Not since Byron wrote Maid of Athens has there been such a stirring in her, and others', hearts of Canonical Age. Yet it was not "Maid of Athens/ere I go/Zoe mou, sas agapou". It was a verse from the so-serious John Donne. A case of "Ask not for whom the Flea bites/It bites for thee". One of the well-meaning possum stirrers from the Catholica community has sent a poem by Donne to Molly. [more]

005 :
29 Aug 2006

Sr Feralia confronts Fergal O'Dobbin and his assistant... Sister Feralia, usually of moderate disposition, is furious. She has written to His Eminence to protest against an espionage attempt during her Nun Recruitment Campaign. Fergal O'Dobbin and his junior, despite their recent humiliation as cross-dressing agents for Orthodoxy against Catholic men's drinking clubs, are at it again, taking a walk on the wild side with the assistance of an eager costumer in Oxford Street, Sydney. [more]

004 :
27 Aug 2006

Reporting on the Gaia and Sophia Rainforest Snake Festival, Arnhem Land Sister Feralia's been on the move in the last month. She returns today with reports on her recent visit to Perth and then on up to Arnhem Land for the Gaia and Sophia Rainforest Snake Festival her erstwhile sisterhood colleagues had organised as part of their continuing inculturation of Catholic faith into the mainstream and indigenous life of our nation. Matrons, sisters, and gentlemen with incontinence problems are advised to go before reading this. [more]

002 :
24 Aug 2006

EXCLUSIVE: Fergal's Confidential Report to His Eminence... As part of the intellectual explosion generated by the Catholica Australia website, we bring you another episode from that challenging son of Holy Mother Church, Fergal O’Dobbin. Fergal is a daily communicant and frequent letter writer to the newspapers, his parish priest, the bishops and to Rome. Catholica Australia is pleased to be able to bring you a copy of his highly confidential but very entertaining report to His Eminence on his recent quest to uncover a secret drinking school some of the men of the diocese had set up to escape their wives. Fergal was convinced they were up to no good and spreading dissidence and Cafeteria Catholicism around the nation. With his erstwhile recruit, David Hackenfurth, Fergal reports to His Eminence providing full details of their discoveries supported by numerous transcriptions of conversations made with their Sony recording machines.
[more]

003 :
22 Aug 2006

What's going on down there... Fr Farzenheim is at his fiery best today questioning the credentials of those heretical, pathetic refuges like Catholica — that Jonestown, that sink of iniquity, den of dissidence, mine of anti-magisterium, excreta in extremis, and Place of Sinners.
[more]

004 :
20 Aug 2006

007 :
20 Aug 2006

On the importance of conquering Arachnaphobia... In the latest extract from Molly Arbeit's Manual for Priests' Housekeepers we read of her quest to conquer Arachnaphobia as part of her Defence of the Holy Priesthood.
[more]

006 :
16 Aug 2006

On the correct maintenance of the clerical smile... Molly Arbeit, the stalwart housekeeper whose Manual has revolutionized the devoted care of our celibate clergy, now discloses how an adventure led her to a discovery of what lies behind the dazzling but ageing clerical smiles. This knowledge stems from an amazing rescue operation of Father's 'clackers'. Molly triumphs over adversity once again.
[more]

002 :
13 Aug 2006

The dismemberance of Fr Mal O'Prop! A malapropism, from French mal a propos, 'ill to purpose', is an incorrect usage of a word by substituting a similar-sounding word with different meaning, usually with comic effect (Wikipedia). The term comes from the name of Mrs Malaprop, a character in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's comedy , The Rivals (1775) whose name was in turned derived from the existing word malapropos, meaning 'inappropriately'. Today we have pleasure in bringing you Bishop Laughlin O'Scusemegh's homily celebrating the 'dismembering' of a famous clerical expert in the art, the late Father Mal O'Prop.
[more]

001 :
10 Aug 2006

Dental Code not Da Vinci Code has all the answers ... Theologian Dr A. Theopullous, Dental Scientist, Veterinarian and Theologian, has been examining whether there is a hidden Dental Code in the Bible, as he demonstrates in this lecture at a recent symposium.
[more]

001 :
08 Aug 2006

Inaugural Catholica Festival of Faith brings mixed blessings... Our intrepid reporter, Dispassionate Observer, provides a comprehensive report on the inaugural Catholica Festival of Faith which was held last Sunday to officially launch the Catholica Australia website. Read what all your favourite characters got up to.
[more]

001 :
06 Aug 2006

Beefing up the testosterone levels among the boys... At a time when testosterone levels in sports people are in the news, Biffin O'Toole, Coach of the Catholica Saints U18 Footy Team believes his efforts to make Men from Boys are not receiving sufficient recognition.
[more]

002 :
04 Aug 2006

Ignatius McDrool is not happy, Jan... Ignatius McDrool is editor-in-chief of the recently renamed Catholic Prudence. This week his memo to fellow Catholic Editors via their newsletter, the Cleft Stick (Catholic Loyal Editors for Truth, Inc) fell off the back of a truck and made its way to Catholica Australia. He spares no mercy to us.
[more]

005 :
03 Aug 2006

On the importance of de-fleaing Father's dog... In the the last excerpt from Molly's Manual for Priests' Housekeepers we learned something of the delicate challenge Priest's Housekeepers face in cleaning Father's bathroom. Today Molly is dealing with another of the delicate tasks these stalwart ladies have to deal with in looking after God's front line non-commissioned officers. It's another serious health hazard in most presbyteries not unlike the health challenges soldiers face on the front-line in any battlefield.
[more]

004 :
28 Jul 2006

On how to clean Father's toilet bowl... Today Molly Arbeit offers hints on an important, though one of the least pleasant parts, of her Housekeeping Apostolate: Cleaning Father's Toilet Bowl. She recommends the singing of psalms while you do it. There is a nice reverberant effect as found singing in a roomy cloister.
[more]

003 :
27 Jul 2006

Reporting on the Blue Mountains Kumbya Remembrance Festival Sister Feralia is in a state of distress from an invasion of 'youthful exuberance' that turned her Congregation's Kumbya Rememberance Festival into a dreadful Kristallnacht. [more]

002 :
25 Jul 2006

Smoke out the Catholic cockroaches in our midst... Fr Farzenheim is at his fiery best this morning calling for action to "smoke out the Catholic cockroaches in our midst". He argues "We are made in the Image of God. And God, let's face it, is SCARY!" So we'd all better feel scared. He is asking us "to be burning brands of fire" saying "your Cardinal, I am sure, will be grateful when I tell him that while quantitatively you may be only Fifteen Per Cent, qualitatively you are the FIERY FIFTEEN PER CENT".
[more]

001 :
24 Jul 2006

Introducing Ignatius McDrool... As part of the intellectual explosion generated by Catholica Australia, we introduce you to another loyal son of Holy Mother Church. Ignatius McDrool is editor-in-chief of the recently renamed Catholic Prudence. This recent memo to staff at The Prudence was recently leaked to us by an insider. The Great Lamington Scandal sent ructions through the Church, but Ignatius did not flinch. In his memo he praises staff of the publication for their honest and disciplined journalism which has netted them a bag of awards.
[more]

003 :
23 Jul 2006

On the importance of "custody of the voice"... Kate mentions "custody of the eyes" in her column today and by coincidence Cliff had submitted this delightful satire on "Custody of the Voice" just a couple of days ago. I've brought it forward as it sits so well with Kate's column.
[more]

001 :
22 Jul 2006

Mirth is not a mortal sin! The editor has spent five years trying to find a Catholic bishop who'd appear in one of these forums in the manner Episcopalian Bishop John Selby Spong does on BeliefNet. He's given up finding a live bishop prepared to join the fray but we're thrilled to inform you that from this week Bishop Laughlin O'Scusemegh has joined Cliff's menagerie.
[more]

002 :
21 Jul 2006

How to Care for the Priest's Dog... In this episode Molly Arbeit deals with the delicate topic of canine and feline rivalry with the Housekeeper in the Presbytery.
[more]

002 :
18 Jul 2006

The wattle will bloom again after our recent fire! The Fuel Crisis has affected religious congregations, but Sister Feralia has been up to the challenge. The filling of the Congregation's swimming pool to offer Caritas Petrol at discounted prices, however, coincided with a Zoroastrian Fire Ceremony. [more]

001 :
15 Jul 2006

Why I'm recommending the President of Sony Corporation for a Papal Knighthood As part of the intellectual explosion generated by the Catholica Australia website, we introduce the reader to another challenging son of Holy Mother Church. Fergal O’Dobbin is a daily communicant and frequent letter writer to the newspapers, his parish priest, the bishops and to Rome. He is concerned about the high degree of heresy coming from our pulpits. In his letter to Catholica Australia Fergal explains here why he is recommending the President of Sony Corporation for a Papal Knighthood. [more]

001 :
10 Jul 2006

Why the invitation to Fr Farzenheim has been rescinded. Sister Feralia is the Face of the New Feminism, a healthy antidote to the testosterone-driven ecclesial community of the Fathers of Divine Wrath. We came across this letter she's addressed to her fellow sisters posted on a feminist list. [more]

003 :
09 Jul 2006

Ishy confronts the email from Nigeria! Ishy hab received lettra fra a man who Me think hab de toule on da hedde fra de Male Dignitie. But me think now that man am Himposter! [more]

001 :
07 Jul 2006

...on the Perils of Caffeine! Fr Farzenheim will be another of our regular visitors to Catholica Australia venting his anger on the Novus Ordo Church. Resident in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Fr Farzenheim is a great fan of the reform of the reforms that Cardinal Pell has endeavoured to introduce in his diocese but he just doesn't believe they go half-way far enough. He is a member of the Fathers of Divine Wrath religious order based in Chicago who have recently been invited to Sydney to help address the priest shortage here and the slackness being exhibited by all the "cafeteria Catholics" and "backsliders" in the Australian Church. He supports the Cardinal's call for this "confusing teaching" on Primacy of Conscience to be abolished from the Catechism and all Catholic teaching.
[more]

001 :
05 Jul 2006

16 Tips on How to Iron a Priest's Shirt. Molly Arbeit is our new identity, ready to give tips to housekeepers in the Vineyard of the Lord. Molly has been a housekeeper to priests, bishops and even cardinals since about the time Adam was a little boy and knows more about the in and outs of clerical politics and good manners than even Ratz does. Molly welcomes your pearls of wisdom, and just plain good old housekeeperly tips, in our discussion forum and she always welcomes your questions and feedback.
[more]

002 :
03 Jul 2006

Ishy's responses to readers... The first appearance of Ishy on Catholica Australia brought an overwhelming response to our mail bag so much so that poor Ishy has been fightin' the spelchekke all weekend to draft some responses in time for today's deadline. Unfortunately space prevents us being able to reply to all the mail that came in. The selection of letters that Ishy has been able to respond to do cover the broad sweep of questions raised. [more]

001 :
29 Jun 2006

So mebbe de Universe start wiv da big farte? Ishmihail bin Laden (Ishy) is originally from Afghanistan. He arrived in Australia about 120 years ago during one of the early gold rushes and made a living driving his camel team through the outback. He retired about forty years ago to Parramatta and has been continuing his quest to understand both Christian and Australian culture ever since — as well as the mystery of the spelchekke and how the world began! [more]