The Crocs are coming South!

My dear parishioners of the Fiery Fifteen Per Cent,

I am Father Farzenheim of the Fathers of Divine Wrath.

Yes, wrath! Ah, what a word.

Of recent times I have been subjected to criticism by the chattering classes and some backsliders and deviants for bringing the estuarine reptile into this Congregation.

Of course I regret the fatality, but think about it, my Dear People of God, a soul has gone to the Divine Wrath.

God is saying, as I have so often told you, you weren't scared of the Wrath before. Betcha scared now, eh, eh, eh?

The crocodile may be regarded as an Instrument of the Heavenly Wrath.

As I have told you, you are walking on the bank, blissful and sinful, then — Crikey! A croc's got me!

I have explained to you — I am a very patient pastor — that Crikey really means Christ the King.

Despite the onslaught of cafetaria Catholics and pinkos, the message of the Crocodile of the Cosmos is spreading.

I hear from that remorseful Fergal O'Dobbin, hammer of the heretics, that members of the NeoPussies, a very devout group, have been active in bringing its message to the southern parts of our island continent.

In the south people go around sneering at goannas and frilled lizards. They are black with sin, rotten with corruption, stinking in the Nose of the Creator.

"Yah, yah, yah," they say. "No crocs down here!"

The NeoPussies, with papal and every other blessing, are waking people up to the Wrath.

Their leader, Arachnoid the Faithful, fearless scourge of heretics, has been sighted just north of Brisbane carrying the reptilian symbol of divine anger and retribution.

So it is with pleasure that I read to you in full this morning's report from The Sydney Morning Herald:

Crikey! Is it a croc or a crock?

Debate is raging over the authenticity of a rare "crocodile" sighting on Queensland's world heritage-listed Fraser Island.

Two Korean tourists took a photo published in the local Fraser Coast Chronicle newspaper of what they believed to be a two-metre crocodile near Eli Creek, a popular swimming spot.

But wildlife authorities insist the croc is a foam fake which, if it was real, would be 300km south of its usual habitat.

"Our rangers were able to confirm it was a fake," an Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) spokesman said. "We believe it's made of foam."

The spokesman said a man had been seen carrying a lookalike foam croc around the island in August.

Evidence which pointed to a hoax included the fact that part of its tail was missing, there were no drag marks in the sand around the "croc" and paint was missing from its nose.

"There has never been a confirmed siting of a croc on Fraser Island," the EPA spokesman said.

"There have been reports of crocs in the Wide Bay area but whenever they've been investigated, they've never been able to be confirmed."

But the Chronicle, which yesterday ran a front page story on the killer croc, today was standing by its account with verifying comments from the Korean tourists.

"It moved its head," said Sophie Seo who, with boyfriend Louis Son, took the photos.

"It moved its head right, left, right. It was alive."

Ms Seo was backed up by local woman Lorrelle Tasker, who said: "I just wish I'd had my camera. I was driving absolutely flat out trying to beat the tide so couldn't stop. That's a jolly croc! I said as I drove past. It was huge."

Crocodiles mostly live in coastal waters between Cape York in the far north and Rockhampton in central Queensland.

Occasionally they are seen as far south as the Boyne River, south of Gladstone, and Hervey Bay.

Remember, my dear People of the Faithful Fifteen Per Cent, Wrath is Coming South.

Next time you go to St Pat's and wander down to Sydney's Circular Quay, keep your eyes peeled. A Crikey Crocodile incident could be moments away.

Queensland has a message for us — Beautiful One Day, Fatal the Next.

May the Wrath be with you!

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Fr Farzenheim is another of our regular visitors to Catholica Australia venting his anger on the Novus Ordo Church. Resident in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Fr Farzenheim is a great fan of the reform of the reforms that Cardinal Pell has endeavoured to introduce in his diocese but he just doesn't believe they go half-way far enough. Half the time he thinks the Cardinal is a bit of a pinko. He is a member of the Fathers of Divine Wrath religious order based in Chicago who have recently been invited to Sydney to help address the priest shortage here and the slackness being exhibited by all the "cafeteria Catholics" and "backsliders" in the Australian Church. He does support the Cardinal's call for this "confusing teaching" on Primacy of Conscience to be abolished from the Catechism and all Catholic teaching.

Fr Farzenheim welcomes your questions on all matters of Catholic doctrine provided they are addressed to him in reverential tones beginning "Dear Fr Farzenheim". He will not answer any questions when he is addressed by his Christian name. He is still deciding if we can be trusted enough to even know his Christian name and might disclose that in a later column down the track. You are most welcome to address your questions to him through our forum.

©2006 Clifford Baxter

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