On how to clean Father's toilet bowl...

Today I have been thinking about scouring all of my Black Sins Away and also Custody of the Eyes.

I usually think of them when I am scouring Father's Toilet.

Some housekeepers do not pay enough attention to this important part of the Housekeeper Apostolate.

This has been responsible for outbreaks of Respiratory Disease among the clergy.

I remember the Conference of Priests called by Father where many of them came down with serious illness.

Certain scurrilous people put around the story that the villain was Tullamore Dew Whisky, but I know the true reason.

It was BAD TOILETS!

So here are some tips on How to Clean Father's Toilet:

Flush toilet properly.

Pay special attention to the seat.

I know that Father does not always raise the seat, but I use Custody of the Eyes when approaching this problem.

I never use the toilet myself because of Canon Law Requirements concerning Holy Celibacy.

I also use Custody of the Eyes concerning any graffiti that may have been scrawled by visiting seminarians and others. I am not sure what to do about phone numbers, but I hesitate to ask Father.

To prevent the spread of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, it is very important to keep the toilet clean.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Clean toilets at least once a day with a solution of diluted household bleach (1 part bleach mixed with 99 parts water).

I add Holy Water if His Eminence is visiting.

When using the toilet, it is essential to observe hygienic practices:

• Dispose of used toilet paper in the toilet bowl. Letters from the Chancery may clog the bowl.
  
  
• Before flushing, lower the toilet lid to prevent contaminated water from splashing out. I have told Father this repeatedly.
  
  
• Flush the toilet.
  
  
• When flushing has stopped, raise the lid.
  
  
• Wipe the rim, seat and lid with a cloth soaked in the diluted bleach solution. Rinse clean with water. Wipe dry. Sometimes I use an old blouse.
  
  
• Pour a teaspoon of the diluted bleach solution into the toilet bowl.
  
  
• Wash hands thoroughly with liquid soap. Dry hands with a disposable towel. I always remember that I could kill Father if I am careless.
  
  

Floor drain outlets:

• Clean the floor drain outlets at least once a week. Particularly after priest conferences.
  
  
• Pour about half a litre of water down drain outlets to ensure the air trap is not dry. I pray while doing this.
  
  
• Pour a teaspoonful of diluted bleach solution down the drain. I am sure the Devil lives down there.
  
  
• After 5 minutes, pour clean water down the drain. And say, Cup of tea, Father? In a loud, but respectful voice of the lower register.
  

It is possible to get a wonderful echo effect with a psalm while on your knees above the bowl.

Until next time, Good Housekeeping!

Molly Arbeit

Molly Arbeit is ready to give tips to housekeepers in the Vineyard of the Lord. Molly has been a housekeeper to priests, bishops and even cardinals since about the time Adam was a little boy and knows more about the in and outs of clerical politics and good manners than even Ratz does.

Molly welcomes your pearls of wisdom, and just plain good old housekeeperly tips, in our discussion forum and she always welcomes your questions and feedback.

©2006 Clifford Baxter

[Cliff's Menagerie Archive]