Crikey? A Croc's got me...

My dear Parishioners of the Fiery Fifteen, the Famous Few, the Eleemosynary Elect, the Diamond-Edged Saw of Dissidency, and the Claws of Catholic and Divine Wrath.

Good morning. I am Father Farzenheim of the Fathers of Divine Wrath. Yes, WRATH! Ah, how that word makes holy blood course through the vessels, through the cardiac muscle, down through the lungs, the arteries, the kidneys, the liver, down, down, down, to ... ah, but I digress.

It's that Wrath which is forgotten by those who prefer to live in the theological Jonestowns and Wacos of the Church. But please be assured it is ready to spring upon you at any moment.

Today I want to talk to you about crocodiles, khaki, and the Australian vernacular — those things which so intrinsically express the AUSTRALIAN VALUES.

These are the values which the Australian Prime Minister so valiantly is imposing on infidels coming to this country.

These are the infidels that Cardinal Pell has so rightly rebuked. The Pope apologized, but the cardinal so rightly kept the flame of Wrath alive. Cop that, Muslims! The fire was going out and it was urgently in need of new fuel — some kerosene to stimulate the Fire of Wrath.

Our Opposition Leader, who is a staunch Christian, has applied the 'values wrath' to tourists as well..

Tourists! And when tourists come to this country, what do they want to see? Is it some stupid wallaby chewing grass and pooping, or an equally docile Koala urinating on a gum branch? Or a possum excreting on to the grass? No, there is only one thing they want, and that's CROCODILES.

Yes, there's something fascinating about these reptiles, and I've brought one along today. No, do not get frightened — save your fear for God and His Wrath — he's nicely tied up. Looks cute in his khaki shirt, don't you think? What could be more Aussie, Aussie, Aussie than that?

Not only are these creatures a wonder, they are a reminder of the Divine Wrath.

Look at it this way, you are a tourist walking along the banks of the estuary, full of mortal sin, indeed black with sin, not fearing God one teensy weensy bit when suddenly, "Crikey! A croc's got me!"

Crikey indeed. Suddenly you are in the next life facing judgment. "Weren't scared of Me before, were you?" says God. "Scared now, eh, eh, eh?"

Crocodiles and Crikey can bring you before the Divine Wrath of God.

This brings me to an important theological position which combines Australian values with this Wrath.

In the good, old traditional days an Aussie would not just say "Crikey!" He would say "Crikey, Moses!"

He would say, "Crikey, Moses! A croc's got me!"

This is because Crikey really means Christ the King — that memorable term so familiar in the days when we defended Mother Church for General Franco in Spain.

We are really saying, "Christ the King, a croc's got me!"

Alas, our vernacular language has declined, along with strict Aussie values, and we no longer say "Blimey", which is really "Bless me".

We do not say, "Blimey, (Bless me) a croc's got me!"

It's all part of the decline of our fecund Faith.

If the marauding reptile is a pregnant female, we could exclaim,
"Crikey ! A fecund crocodile has got me!"

And of course we do not forget the deep spiritual meaning of the word "Crikey!" and its relationship to the Divine Wrath which is ready to spring out of the water at us at any moment.

Should this happen, do not forget, "Crikey Moses! Christ the King, a croc's got me!"

May the Wrath be with you!

Fr Farzenheim is another of our regular visitors to Catholica Australia venting his anger on the Novus Ordo Church. Resident in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Fr Farzenheim is a great fan of the reform of the reforms that Cardinal Pell has endeavoured to introduce in his diocese but he just doesn't believe they go half-way far enough. Half the time he thinks the Cardinal is a bit of a pinko. He is a member of the Fathers of Divine Wrath religious order based in Chicago who have recently been invited to Sydney to help address the priest shortage here and the slackness being exhibited by all the "cafeteria Catholics" and "backsliders" in the Australian Church. He does support the Cardinal's call for this "confusing teaching" on Primacy of Conscience to be abolished from the Catechism and all Catholic teaching.

Fr Farzenheim welcomes your questions on all matters of Catholic doctrine provided they are addressed to him in reverential tones beginning "Dear Fr Farzenheim". He will not answer any questions when he is addressed by his Christian name. He is still deciding if we can be trusted enough to even know his Christian name and might disclose that in a later column down the track. You are most welcome to address your questions to him through our forum.

©2006 Clifford Baxter

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