16 Tips on How to Iron a Shirt for a Priest...

1. Find the tag on the shirt that indicates what it is made of. I always remove maker's names which could be misinterpreted such as Playboy, Toyboy International, SSW or Girlsworld. Shirts bearing tags such as St Michael's Golf Club must never be touched. Stains must never be commented upon or investigated. If the priest enters while the task is being engaged, never say, 'Lovely homily this morning, Father Bill.' Using the first name of a man in persona Christi is disrespectful. It's like using the first name of God, who according to the comedian Rowan Atkinson is named Cliff. Better to say, 'Your mother would have loved this morning's homily, FATHER ! She would have been PROUD, FATHER ! Cup of tea?' Never use your own name, but that which the priest applies to you, preferably Victorian such as Maude, Agnes, Gertrude, Myrtle. If you are Alicia or Raquel, shut up about it.
2. Never attempt to iron a dog collar. It is plastic and will melt and ruin the iron. The unreconstructed Legion of Mary donor will be upset. Try to perform the task in your own quarters away from the view of guests, in your own space, say on the verandah which has been glassed in with louvres now that Father's dog has been moved inside to live and entertain his guests and visiting bishops. Your room, the ironing room, can be a place of consolation, tranquility and humility. In this holy privacy you will have the freedom to eat tidbits left over from last night's parish meeting as you iron. You can keep the Dream Alive listening to radio jock John Laws, even put on a bit of lippie and makeup. But remember YOU ARE OF CANONICAL AGE AND MUST NOT WEAR FACIAL DECORATIONS IF YOU ARE FORCED TO IRON IN FRONT OF FATHER AND HIS VISITORS.
3. Remember this is a holy task. It is all very well to speak of Mary and precious unguents, but we need Marthas, right? Ironing black and removing lint can be Working in the Vineyard too. The Church in the Modern World also has sport shirts with fancy crosses in the lapels and white tee shirts, ARE YOU RUNNING WITH JESUS ? Traditional priests are very fond of starch. Starch makes shirts look neater. However, use it sparingly. When spraying, let the starch penetrate into the fabric before ironing. You can spray and pray. When I spray I pass my hand on top of the starched area. You get no white starch residue this way. You are following in a long tradition here. I remember visiting a former housekeeper in a homeless person's hostel and she said, 'You young girls use distilled water, but in my day for FATHER we used rainwater.' I tried it, and believe me, the old girl was right. I tried it, and Father's clothes had a nicer feel to them. Also my hands tended to be less cracked and bleeding from housework.
4. If FATHER is associated with a Personal Prelature remove any traces of human hair fibre from the shirt. Blood or wine stains can be removed with sodawater and salt. Irons are very hot and heavy and should be treated with care. Traditional housekeepers used to avoid ironing when small children were near, but this is no longer necessary.
5. Never iron a hair shirt. It is best treated with shampoo, conditioner or Wool Wash. If in doubt contact your nearest Opus Dei dealer. Similarly with flagellas.
6. Cat hairs are always a problem with priestly clothing and they are best removed with The Chinese People's Republic Prisoner Cooperative Lint Remover Roller ($2.50) or with sticky tape,
7. Plug in the iron and set the dial to the recommended setting for that fabric. If the telephone rings, after you determine who is calling, say 'Father is NOT in' but ensure that you keep a note of who called. If it is the Cardinal say the same thing, but add that he is taking Extreme Unction to a poor soul or examining the foundations of the New Presbytery and Spa. ENSURE THAT YOU DO NOT SOUND FLIRTY OR BENEATH CANONICAL AGE! Return to setting the iron. 100 per cent cotton and linen need a high setting; wools and cotton blends call for medium heat; polyester, rayon, silk, bishops' caps need a low heat setting.
8. Fill the iron with distilled water if you will be using the steam setting on cottons or linens. Modern irons may not need distilled water and may even take holy water. Look carefully at the shirt to see if there is any priestly saliva from last night's dinner. This is very important if FATHER LIKES STARCHED SHIRTS. Saliva contains enzymes which break down starch, so when you add saliva, you're basically breaking down the starch. Politely tell Father, 'If you're having a meal, Father, and gravy falls on your shirt, immediately put this area in your mouth and try to wash it with your own saliva. You will see, Father, that the stain disappears completely! 'Modern priests will immediately follow this command, if their mother has not already instructed them in this fashion. I remember when Bishop Mulhooly sneezed on Father's shirt I accidentally ironed it before wiping off the mess and it came out smoother than usual. Just a little bit of saliva around the folds does a world of good. Hold the mucus though!
9. Iron the back of the collar first, then the front, taking care to iron in from the edges a little at a time to avoid creases. It is permissible to sing while doing this, but it must be of a sacred nature.
10. Open cuffs fully. Iron inside first, then outside.
11. Iron sleeves after smoothing them flat to avoid creases. Do sleeve backs first, fronts second and take extra care on armhole seams.
12. Call out in a gentle voice of low register, 'Your shirt will be ready in a moment, Father. Cup of tea?'
13. Hang shirt over board so that one front panel of the shirt can be extended flat (collar at narrower end of board). Iron from shoulder to shirttail. Call again, 'Cup of tea, Father?'
14. Rotate shirt over board so that you iron the back next, and the other front panel last.
15. Hang Father's warm shirt on a hanger immediately to avoid re-wrinkling it.
16. If Father is wearing a buttoned jacket all day or a sweater STILL IRON THE WHOLE SHIRT. IF YOU IRON ONLY THE COLLAR GOD WILL KNOW OF YOUR SIN OF SLOTH.

Molly Arbeit is our new identity, ready to give tips to housekeepers in the Vineyard of the Lord. Molly has been a housekeeper to priests, bishops and even cardinals since about the time Adam was a little boy and knows more about the in and outs of clerical politics and good manners than even Ratz does.

Molly welcomes your pearls of wisdom, and just plain good old housekeeperly tips, in our discussion forum and she always welcomes your questions and feedback.

©2006 Clifford Baxter

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