...on the Perils of Caffeine!

Good morning. I am Father Farzenheim of the Holy Fathers of Dies Irae, commonly known as the Fathers of Divine Anger.

These days we do not like to talk about being ANGRY.

The Novus Ordo Church has turned its back on God's anger, God's WRATH.

Ah, what a treasure that has been in our long history until the dissidents took control.

When you go home this morning look up on Wikipedia the story of how WRATH has been cast aside by the dissidents, the cafeteria Catholics, the back-sliders, the closet Communists:

Dies Iræ ("Day of Wrath") is a famous thirteenth century Latin hymn thought to be written by Thomas of Celano. It is often judged to be the best medieval Latin poem, differing from classical Latin by its accentual (non-quantitative) stress and its rhymed lines. The meter is trochaic. The poem describes the day of judgment, the last trumpet summoning souls before the throne of God, where the saved will be delivered and the unsaved cast into eternal flames.

The hymn was used as a sequence in the Roman Catholic Requiem Mass until the 1970 revision of the Roman Missal.

What a sad day it was when we turned our cowardly backs on ANGER.

And I am angry let me tell you when I look down from the ambo today and see people who cannot wait to imbibe a xanthine alkaloid that if sprayed on plants paralyzes and kills insects.

I am so angry with these heretical, impious fools prepared to wreck God's Temple, the human body.

They are about to consume a central nervous stimulant that will be found the drug of choice among hippies, hopheads and the caffe latte set who are the detritus of society, and the ruination of much that is good in our Church.

I am talking about COFFEE!

The drug is CAFFEINE!

In those sorry years that have followed the so-called 'Vatican Council' coffee tables have become a feature of almost every Novus Ordo Church.

They are placed willy nilly, with never a thought they should face East, like all good church furniture. But the cafeteria Catholics would never consider something like that!

These people make me ANGRY!

Around these tables you will find dissident people casting glances over their shoulder as they make disparaging remarks about the homily or the ritual. They are EATING AWAY AT OUR FOUNDATIONS!

These caffe latte rebels, caffeine-addicted troublemakers, have no respect, and do not demand respect from us.

I now announce, with the full authority of the Cardinal, that the coffee table is to be removed. My paper on the subject, Caffe Non Est, is now being studied in Rome and I believe it will have global consequences.

This will put an end to caffeine-induced dissidence among the laity.

We will be set FREE!

We need a new spirit of MODERATION!

Moderate use of caffeine, as in tea, is permissible after a night of self mortification.

I know myself that when I hear the voice of my housekeeper saying, 'Cup of tea, Father?' that she is being a true handmaiden in the Lord's vineyard.

Therefore I have decided that after Nights of Prostration and Penance tea may be served. But no biscuits or cakes will be provided as we must beware the Sin of Gluttony, one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

These sins must be stamped out lest we incur that terrible and mysterious thing which is called GOD'S WRATH!

Fr Farzenheim will be another of our regular visitors to Catholica Australia venting his anger on the Novus Ordo Church. Resident in the Archdiocese of Sydney, Fr Farzenheim is a great fan of the reform of the reforms that Cardinal Pell has endeavoured to introduce in his diocese but he just doesn't believe they go half-way far enough. He is a member of the Fathers of Divine Wrath religious order based in Chicago who have recently been invited to Sydney to help address the priest shortage here and the slackness being exhibited by all the "cafeteria Catholics" and "backsliders" in the Australian Church. He supports the Cardinal's call for this "confusing teaching" on Primacy of Conscience to be abolished from the Catechism and all Catholic teaching.

Fr Farzenheim welcomes your questions on all matters of Catholic doctrine provided they are addressed to him in reverential tones beginning "Dear Fr Farzenheim". He will not answer any questions when he is addressed by his Christian name. He is still deciding if we can be trusted enough to even know his Christian name and might disclose that in a later column down the track. You are most welcome to address your questions to him through our forum.

©2006 Clifford Baxter

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