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THE
CATHOLICA FESTIVAL OF FAITH...
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Inaugural Catholica Festival of Faith brings mixed blessings... by Dispassionate Observer  The Catholica Festival of Faith held last Sunday to launch the new Website, www.catholica.com.au, brought together an amalgam of wit, love and longing, music, art, prejudice and violence plus a number of extraordinary or embarrassing incidents. These included a public slanging match between Editor and Publisher Brian Coyne and the Principal Sponsor over the order of presentation of sponsorships. Due to the fact that the public address system was left open the attendees were treated to terms of speech rarely heard in ecclesial circles – at least in public anyway. (The Queensland vet duly reported these matters to the CathNews discussion board community and Fergal O'Dobbin's headphones nearly exploded off his head and his mind was in apoplexy!) The incident delayed the start of proceedings by a full twenty minutes, but some of the audience loudly applauded sections of the dialogue. The dispute ended and proceedings got under way after the Principal Sponsor was permitted to erect a 10 x 10 video screen to powerpoint his products:  Other commercials quickly followed:  and:  Unfortunately the PA remained open, and the following exchange was heard by the multitude: Subscriber: Mr Coyne,
I am sorry to be a bother, but when I Google for Catholica I get Holzschmitzerein
on the monitor. The arrival of Bishop Laughlin O'Scusemegh was a spectacle of unprecedented splendour and a landmark in ecclesial fashion in Australia. Due to the fuel crisis, His Lordship did not arrive by motor vehicle. Instead he arrived on a large wooden cart, painted emerald green in honour of his homeland, and drawn by five white draught horses with golden traces, and led by apple-cheeked youngsters from St Abominable's Home for Violent and Despicable Children. For security reasons the children were manacled to the shandridan. His Lordship carried a crozier whose pointed, razor-sharp edges caught the afternoon sun's rays. Also on his person was a spiked ball and chain, reminiscent of the days when bishops found an appropriate response to the medieval ban on them carrying swords. 'As you can see,' said the bishop, who has been
at times accused of liberal tendencies, 'I am keeping pace with the
times—is there something wrong with the microphone?' His Lordship presented a striking figure in his gem-encrusted crown, magenta, purple and green, scarlet robes and golden papal slippers with the ends turned up and diamond-tipped edges as a fashion garnish. His red silken cape, measuring more than thirty metres, a cappa magna, was held by a train of forty-five healthy girls from the St Dismas Top Security Home for Female Car Thieves, while a Senior Parishioner and Knight of considerable proportion and dignity preceded with the Axe of Episcopal Authority upon a mauve velvet cushion. 'Just a few things I picked up while in Rome with His Eminence,' remarked the much-loved bishop to the flock. After the blessing, during which a large man was arrested by the constabulary for his protests that it was neither magisterial or Latin, Bishop Laughlin O'Scusemegh was given an Official Address of Welcome by fellow Corkman, Paddy O'Fear, who concluded with a rendition of the folksong, Poc ma Hon, O'Casey, which caused consternation among his fellow Gaelic speakers from the Gaeltach. The videoscreen continued its messages:  Famous Irish standup comedian Sally McBlurt had many of the company speechless with mirth, although her comment, 'Not many Maronites here today? I suppose they're off at rifle and grenade practice!' was met with silence. The rendition of the anthem, The Sword My Father Wore, by the Hezbollah Choir supported by the St John of God Psycho Dancers was curtailed after members were pelted with bagels from the Israelite Multicultural Acrobats. Mr Coyne said later this action was disproportionate. However, the presentation of the ballet, The Magic of Sophia and Gaia, under the direction of Sister Feralia, by the Zorasterian Fire Group was greatly appreciated by the audience. Helena Zarb, formerly Miss Whale Car Wash of Bankstown, was outstanding as Sophia, although her complete nudity apart from a golden necklace caused a certain degree of controversy – and the lens of Fergal O'Dobbin's camera was seen to melt preventing him obtaining the necessary evidence for Rome and His Eminence. Mr Coyne later told objectors, 'If you have any problems with that, you goody-two-shoe Neanderthal, happy little vegemites, you should do what Molly Arbeit prescribes in her housekeeper's manual, and practise Custody of the Eyes'. Molly Arbeit, a woman affectionately regarded by clergy and housekeepers of the Diocese, gave a tea-making demonstration and held a vocal-training symposium on the correct voice delivery in the phrase, 'Cup of tea, Father?' There were interludes, striking an informal tone, when Sister Feralia picked up her faithful, trusted guitar to sing her favourite hymns. The audience was astounded to discover that Kumbya has forty-seven verses, and three chords! The Festival contained a considerable literary flavour, enhanced by the visitation of the Catholic Poet Laureate, Michael O'Shakey, from the University of New England. His lecture on James Joyce, titled Mr Bloom Takes a Wee, was indeed provocative as was his poem, Juvenalia, and its lines: Don't step
on ants, The arrival of Mr I. Bin Laden, lately of Villawood, under close escort and his illustrative talk, 'Lub yo enemas!' was greeted with enthusiasm by his many fans. Mr I wore two large bath towels on his head and his loins, both inscribed, 'Parra Pubic Bathe'. A small group holding a sign reading 'Spidermen for God' had to be ejected at this point. Strong Emphasis on Youth There was a Strong Emphasis on Youth at the Festival. Father Farzenheim delivered a lecture on the Dangers of Caffeine Addiction in the young in the Novus Ordo Church. 'Caffeine is the greatest danger of our times — it is the heresy of Nutrition,' said the reverend father. Football coach Biffin O'Toole gave a stimulating address in which he explained the need to enhance testosterone levels in young male sportsmen. 'There are two ways of looking at a scoreboard,' said Mr O'Toole, 'the points and the number of injuries.' 'On the basis of the latter we killed those North Shore Pansies last Saturday — one hamstring to us, but four collarbones, four noses, one eye, one set of front teeth and one ear to them'. The Festival contained a scientific and theologic flavour with an address by visiting Vatican academic Professor Isa Speculatio who presented a controversial paper concerning Stem Cells, Executed Chinese Prisoners, Human Spare Parts and Wasted Human Tissue in Lebanon and the Teaching of Teilhard de Chardonnay.
The Need for a Manly Christianity was further enhanced by Mr F. O'Dobbin, who spoke of his career in security, the need for a combination of nationalism, patriotism, military ability and Faith, and his gratitude for his Liberal arts education at Campion. He concluded with a video display of his time working in offshore interrogation centers with Egyptians and others as part of the War on Terror. The legendary Catholic newspaperman, Mr Ignatius McDrool, was invited to attend as a matter of courtesy despite his trenchant criticism of the Festival. He declined, but sent his top investigative reporter, Yolanda, prize winning journalist with her piece, The Great Lamington Scandal - recipes versus reality published in Mr McDrool's publication, recently renamed Catholic Prudence. 'This Festival will be my next expose,' she was overheard to say
as she moved towards the cake tent. ©2006 Clifford Baxter |
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