When should kids move out of home?

Righto, fess up — how old were you when you moved out of your family home?

Did you long for the day when you could escape?
OR did you dread the day when your parents would tell you "It's time"?

Cindy's husband, who did not move out of home until he was 30 and marrying Cindy, always jokes that for years his mother wrapped his lunch in road maps! (yes, she still made his lunch!)

Cindy moved out of home at 19 when she went Nursing and had to live-in at the hospital.
The only other time she lived at home apart from 2 or 3 days off here and there, was the 8 months before she was married when she was 29. Fortunately her nursing career took her to another country for a few years and wild and windswept adventures in various places in Australia.

The first time Cindy met her future mother-in-law, the woman apparently was delighted and thought "this girl is my last hope for this third out of my four sons to leave home"!!!

So the wedding was a very happy time for many people, especially both sets of parents.

Traumatizing experience...

32 years later, Cindy's first child is now married and expecting a child. She left home at 23 to live with her boyfriend. Now wasn't that a difficult time and how many parents — Catholic or otherwise — have been through that traumatizing experience? Kids wanting their boy or girl friends to stay overnight — under your roof — with the younger kids all agog as to how this will go down with Mum & Dad.

The middle child, a son aged 27, is with the Armed Forces but still calls the family home 'home'. His mail goes there and his room is still there with many of his goods and chattels. He is away for often several months at a time, but his room remains a place unable to be used by the rest of the family as the queen sized bed he moved in takes up most of the room anyway.

The third child, a daughter, has just returned from an extended overseas trip — 5 months on her own, finding her feet, living her dream. Sound a familiar story to anyone??? She only returned last week and 9 days later was involved in a car accident, not her fault in any way at all, and fortunately she was not seriously injured. The long shot of this means her plans to move out of home before this Christmas are now not possible as she needs to purchase a replacement car. The fact that the car belonged to Cindy anyway and was a total write-off is irrelevant I suppose. Thankfully there is insurance but that won't cover the cost of another car. And who will pay for that as daughter is deeply in credit card debt that was kindly paid for by her loving Mum & Dad during her trip to save her the exorbitant interest!

During the 5 precious months this daughter was overseas, Cindy and her husband discovered how delightful it is to spend retirement days together in their home minus kids!!!!!!!! Freedom at last — wandering around naked any hour of the day or night, what bliss! They realized they had only spent the first 2 years of their marriage alone before baby number one arrived. The following 30 years were a whirl of babies, kids, friends, washing, noise, chaos, schools, fees and fund raising, catastrophes, hospitals, operations, loud music — the usual.

Well, the daughter recovering from the car accident has informed Mum & Dad that she will not be moving out now for probably another year or maybe longer. She has to repay M & D plus buy a car and save the bond money for rent — and it is so cheap to live at home with Mum's home cooking and Dad to fix everything that breaks down.

The Yo-Yo Syndrome...

There are many parishioners in Cindy's parish with hilarious stories to relate regarding children leaving home and coming back again — laughingly referred to as 'the yo-yo syndrome'.

There are kids who rent a flat but come home every night for tea and bring their washing home. When they realize how expensive it is to live out of home, they pack it in and return home, often unannounced, returning with fridges, microwave ovens, double beds, lounge suites, chairs etc. They usually seem convinced Mum & Dad will be delighted to have them home again!

One family has 6 kids and in some ways none of them seem to have left home — well not really. They all come and go and all have 'stuff' stored in the garage, their old bedrooms, backyard — anywhere it will fit. After all it is 'home'. It is their place, their God-given right! Currently they are storing four washing machines in their garage along with 4 double beds, pulled apart and stacked one on top of the other while those kids are overseas.

One couple had 3 children still living at home in their late 20's. They bought a cute new little home unit and announced to the kids, "We are selling the house and moving".
The kids were ecstatic, "Where are we going?"
"WE are moving!" the father announced in a gleeful voice, "you kids can move wherever you like, you are grown ups now!"

One parish boy moved out with some mates and left all his climbing ropes, equipment and back packs at home because "there is no room in the flat Mum".

There are parents who pay their rent so the kids can move out of home.
"Worth it for the peace and quiet" one Dad was heard to say. Great if you can afford it.

Other parents have put caravans in their back yards so the kids can spend their time there with their music and friends.

Others have purchased a second home and each child before or after they marry, spend a few years living there rent free as they save for a deposit on a home of their own.

A friend of Cindy's is very protective of her son. He moved out of home but she cooks meals for him and freezes them in containers clearly marked with the day and the meal they are to be eaten. She leaves them in the freezer she bought for him when she goes to his flat to clean each week and do his washing and ironing.

Cindy wonders if people when making those precious wedding vows and saying "I do" have even the slightest inkling of their future with teenagers and adults living with them for a very long time.

So when's the best time for them to leave?

Funnily enough, Cindy's kids lately keep telling her "Mum, you need to de-clutter. You have far too much furniture, get rid of it, the house is a mess". You have to laugh. The oldest moved a desk and a large coffee table back home recently to be stored for the younger sister to take with her, if and when she ever leaves. Maybe Love has no boundaries?

Some children stay in the family home and take care of aged parents, at the sacrifice of finding a life on their own — the shoe is on the other foot. Some parents hang on to their kids like possessions.

There comes a time when the child knows and the parents know — the time has come for the bird to leave the nest. This is happening now for Cindy and her youngest daughter. Due to the unfortunate circumstances of the past week, this is now not possible for some time. Cindy and hubby just never thought they would still have kids at home during their retirement.

So is there a time when for the good of their own development kids ought to leave the family nest? 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, 50?

You heard about the 90 year old couple who got divorced? They waited till all their kids left home.

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Cindy the Sacristan is the pseudonym of one of the long-time members of our community. In real life she has spent many years in a voluntary capacity as sacristan in a large outer suburban parish.

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