Dr Kania begins a three-part exploration today of Christian perspectives on marriage

	Chief Justice John Marshall remembered for his love of his wife Mary Willis Ambler

The pioneer and architect of the Supreme Court of the United States, Chief Justice John Marshall, was many things in his public life: soldier, orator, lawyer, scholar, and diplomat. Yet all these public achievements, significant though they be, portray half the man, and perhaps not even the greater part.

John Marshall was also the ardent husband of his child-bride, Mary Willis Ambler. Married for 49 years, Mary steadily became a recluse, on the verge of continuous nervous collapse due to the death of a child in their first years of marriage. Marshall's devotion to his wife went beyond sexual love and friendship; it was a love without condition, for "my dearest Polly". Often he would read to her for long hours, or write her poetry exulting her goodness and his deep love for her. After Mary's death, in the remaining four years of Marshall's life, close friends noted that he was never the same man.

Marshall, a highly successful man in United States history, had lost far more than accolades of public office could ever compensate. The marriage of John and Mary Marshall gave truth to the words of Anglican Bishop Jeremy Taylor written a century and a half earlier, "Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."

I promise to love you and to be with you, for as long as we both shall love?

In comparison, I was invited to a civil marriage ceremony. On a picture perfect day, with birds chirping, and the waft of flowers arising from the garden-setting, the marriage celebrant announced that the couple had personally formulated their wedding vows. These were recited as: "I promise to love you and to be with you, for as long as we both shall love". I could not help but wonder as to the underlying escape clause of this vow; that at some point if the sense of love disappeared between the two, that the marriage contract would lose its validity. I did not doubt the affection the pair had for one another, but a powerful question came to mind, as to what exactly was being meant in this vow by the word 'love'. In the end only the couple could really say, and perhaps only half of them at that.

How can one define love?

So how can one define love? English, although boasting the richest pool of adjectives of any modern language, is an impoverished tool when it comes to nouns such as 'love'. In comparison the Greek language, provides four separate words to specifically express exactly what we know generically as 'love' in English. These four types of love are: eros, or sexual love; philio, the love which exists between friends; storge, the love between family members; and agape, unconditional love.

In the 1950's a think-tank in the University of Chicago debated the definition of love. After much deliberation they came to the conclusion that love was the desire to do something for a third-party without seeking anything in return. Such love as is expressed in the University of Chicago's conclusion, matches the Greek word agape, and negates marriage vows with conditions. With unconditional love there can be no self-serving; it goes beyond physical attraction and asks for the spirit to become God-like in its capacity to love.

In words often quoted at weddings, St. Paul tells us that love "is always ready to make allowances, to trust to hope and to endure whatever comes". (1 Corinthians 13: 7) Love understood in such Christian terms requires no vow such as "as long as we both shall love", for love being eternal cannot be confined to duration. Even death is limited in power being able to break the physical but not the spiritual bond. In Christian terms such a vow is tautological. Stipulations on the confines of love resonant with Goethe's ironical retort: "If I love you, what business is it of yours?" Similarly if I don't love you tomorrow, what business is it of yours?

The Christian notion of love within marriage seeks to encompass all four types of love. What brings each type of love to its greatest fulfilment is the integration of all types together. What better wife to have than your closest friend, what better husband to hold than the embrace of his unconditional heart, what better example of the expression of unconditional love, than that within the family.

For this reason, St. John Chrysostom the fourth century Eastern Patriarch exhorted his audience that husbands are called on to express all forms of love to their wives: "Tell her that you love her more than your own life, because this present life is nothing, and that your only hope is that the two of you pass through this life in such a way that in the world to come you will be united in perfect love. Say to her, 'Our time here is brief and fleeting, but if we are pleasing to God, we can exchange this life for the Kingdom to come. Then we will be perfectly one both with Christ and each other, and our pleasure will know no bounds. I value your love above all things, and nothing would be so bitter or painful to me as our being at odds with each other. Even if I lose everything, any affliction is tolerable if you will be true to me'. Show her that you value her company, and prefer being at home to being out. Esteem her in the presence of your friends and children. Praise and show admiration for her good acts".

The vocation, God's calling to be a husband or wife, is a call to grow in one's capacity to love according to the specific giving of oneself to another. Pope St. Gregory the Great teaches us that: "If we love the good that you see in another, you make it your own".

In such a light the purpose of the married life is to come to discover the love of God within the arms of another individual, and see within their eyes, the beauty which awaits all of us in God. For our part we should as Chrysostom wrote be a stepping stone for our loved ones to God. In marriage one finds salvation by ministering to, and building together a new life, a new family, a new church.

That Christian marriage necessitates life-long commitment is based on the imperative expressed in agape — replicating the love of God. Such a love "is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances". (1 Corinthians 13: 5) For "Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited" (1 Corinthians 13: 4) To be such a lover is the goal of every Christian spouse.

As married Catholics we seek the integration of eros, philios, storge, and agape. It is the type of integration which was exuded in Blessed Nicholas Tsehels'kyi of Ternopil's letter to his wife. Fr. Tsehel'skyi, a married Ukrainian Catholic priest wrote to his wife from the Soviet prison in which he was to perish for his faith: "My dearest wife: the feast of the Dormition was our 25th wedding anniversary. I recall fondly our family life together, and every day in my dreams I am with you and the children, and this makes me happy … I give a fatherly kiss to all their foreheads and I hope to live honestly, behaving blamelessly, keeping far from everything that is foul. I pray for this most of all".

IMAGE SOURCES: The wedding image used in the main header for this article comes from stock.xchng – Photographer: Amy Jacobs, Volga, SD, United States. Clicking on the other images will take you to the original source.

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©2007 Dr Andrew Thomas Kania

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